Liverpool: The EPL’s Version of Dumb and Dumber

Photo Courtesy of Twitter @DumbandDumberMovie

Dumb and Dumber is my favorite movie of all time in the history of movies since the world began.

I was six years old when my Dad took me to the Drive-In Theater to see the Farrelly Brother’s tale of two senseless best friends who travel across the country to return a briefcase to girl. But this was not just any girl, I could quote how Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carey) describes her in the movie and the old fashioned feeling he gets when he sees her, but I’ll try and keep this PG rated.

20 years since the movie was released, I have probably watched it close to 100 times and can quote every line of from memory. In my own words, this movie is brilliant, but using Lloyd’s famous phrase “I like it a lot.”

Most movies have a handful of meaningless scenes that could be skipped when watching at home. But Dumb and Dumber is different. Every scene is perfect and unforgettable. From Lloyd lighting his farts to Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) throwing snow balls at Mary “Samsonite” Swanson (Lauren Holly) the film is full of constant laughs.

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I am excited to see the sequel which hits theaters on Friday and can only hope that it does nothing to ruin my memory of the original.  Sequels rarely are better.  The problem is trying to take something everyone already loves and turn it into something even better.  All too often the second film falls short and leaves the audience longing for the original.

So now you’re asking, what is a commentary on a 20 year old film doing on a soccer site? Your answer, Liverpool.

No I am not saying that we should go ahead and cast Brendan Rodgers and Mario Balotelli in the roles of Lloyd and Harry, even though at times this season they have appeared to be quite similar. I am talking about the off season moves made by Liverpool in their attempts to replace Luis Suarez.

Liverpool made one key mistake. When they realized Suarez’s exit was imminent, they needed to throw the kitchen sink at one person.  There was only one player available in the transfer window that could have come close to matching Suarez’s movement and goal scoring. That man was Alexis Sanchez.

If Liverpool had any hope of making a successful sequel, they would need to get a replacement as similar to Suarez as possible.  The Reds failed to get the star player and instead replaced Suarez with pieces of a whole but never found the complete package.

It wasn’t going to be easy to replace Suarez, just like creating a sequel to Dumb and Dumber is going to be next to impossible to meet my lofty expectations, but the moves Liverpool made have earned their sequel season two thumbs down.

Photo Courtesy of Twitter @DumbandDumberMovie

No player has been a greater disappointment than Mario Balotelli. He was “cheap” and had won an EPL title just three seasons earlier, but 11 matches into this year, he looks more idiotic than Harry and Lloyd in their tuxedos.

The purchase of Balotelli is starting to look nearly as stupid as the one and only Lloyd Christmas did driving his love to the airport:

Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

Mary: How’d you guess?

Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together. So where are you headin’?

Mary: Aspen.

Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

But we can’t get too down on Mario Balotelli alone. The entire team has failed to meet their preseason hopes.

Other transfers like Dejan Lovren, Emer Can, Rickie Lambert and Adam Lallana have all taken a step back from where there were at the previous clubs. As a whole, it has been a comical display by Liverpool to this point in the season. And Brendan Rodgers has been as humorous as anyone.

So what is to be done? What can Liverpool do to turn this sequel around and get it closer in-line with last season? To be brutally honest, even if the Reds are able to make the necessary changes, just like Dumb and Dumber To, no matter how good it gets at certain points, there is no way the sequel can match the brilliance of the original; this season will not be last season.

“Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right… Well, see you later!”