10 Things Wayne Rooney Wants More Than a Testimonial
Curiously, Manchester United has opted to provide Wayne Rooney with a testimonial match next year to celebrate his 11 years at the club. The testimonial match comes as a response to a supporters campaign and will benefit charity so the event itself will be for the common good. As such I can’t mock the game itself. Instead, I give you the list of 10 things that Wayne Rooney would rather have than a testimonial.
1. A full head of hair- Some of you may find this to be a cheap shot, but it’s clear that Rooney would give almost anything to have hair. We’ve all seen the photos of the ever-moving hairline the English striker has featured over the past several seasons and that can’t be cheap. He’d trade a testimonial in a second for enough hair to rock even the weakest of combovers.
2. An attacking teammate close to his age- He can’t have a lot in common with youngsters Anthony Martial or Memphis Depay. What could their conversations really consist of? Perhaps Memphis spends hours trying to convince him to go by just Rooney. Either way, it’s got to be lonely for him up top with no one in his age bracket to talk to.
3. Sir Alex Ferguson’s Return- He’s had three managers at United: Alex Ferguson, David Moyes and Louis Van Gaal. He’s seen quite the variety both in terms of class and success. I imagine that Rooney dreams at night with visions of Sir Alex Ferguson dancing in his head.
4. A time machine- He doesn’t need a really powerful time machine, he’d just like to turn back the clock five years or so. You know, back to when he had enough athleticism to play alone up top.
5. Pants to wear at home- Rooney has admitted that his wife wears the pants in the relationship so it’s reasonable to think he’d like a little more power at home. Oh well, forgive him. She’s hot.
6. The spirit of a bard- In the same article where he revealed his wife wears the pants in the relationship, he also let the world know that he frequently writes her love poems. If he could only pen a sonnet with the beauty of one of his goals on the half volley.
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7. International team success- He’s done it all with United, but real success for England has eluded him. He’d certainly trade a testimonial for a World Cup championship or something similar. It’s really the one thing missing from his legacy as a player.
8. A better right hook- Phil Bardsley knocked him out quicker than Tyson knocked out Michael Spinks. He turned it into a fun goal celebration and all but I still think he’d rather have been the victor.
9. More money- Ok wait no, he’s got plenty of that. He’d take the testimonial over another couple million.
10. The abolition of the British tabloids- Did he sleep with her? Did he pay for sex? Was it a threesome? The press has undoubtedly caused him an immense amount of personal pain. Can’t imagine many of those stories go over too well at home. He’d gladly trade the testimonial to banish them from the face of the planet.
Hope you enjoyed this light-hearted list. Let me know what you think Rooney would prefer to his testimonial in the comments field below.