The Manchester United Eulogy for Louis Van Gaal


If Louis Van Gaal is finally done at Manchester United, the least we can do is give him a proper eulogy

***This piece is designed to eulogized Louis Van Gaal’s time at Manchester United from the lips of famed minister and United fan Sir Alex Moyes Mourinho***

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a man whose reputation was only dwarfed by his own ego. None of us will soon forget Louis Van Gaal or the impact he had on our beloved football club.

The things we will miss about Van Gaal can’t possibly be entirely enumerated with this sermon but we have to try. Fortunately, ever since Van Gaal took over at United I began the habit of constantly taking a note pad with me and writing down random notes for no apparent reason. Not sure where I really got that from.

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None of us will ever be able to walk sideways down the street or look behind us without thinking of Van Gaal and his tactics. I know that I, for one, will never be able to so much as pass wind backwards without thinking of the Dutch manager. His philosophy to move the ball backwards at all times will stay with us all, indelibly etched into our consciousness.

Nor will we ever be able to walk past a car crash or a burning building without immediately thinking of our departed manager. I’ve never know anyone who was able to take over a famous entity and dismantle it so completely in such a short amount of time. Van Gaal accomplished many amazing things during his career, but only he could bring down a winner so quickly and effectively. It was truly a sight to behold at Old Trafford.

I’ll also miss the Dutchman’s gigantic forehead more than anything. I’ve tried to make my hair flip up like his, utterly defying gravity, more times than I should admit under God. It’s just not possible to replicate the perfection of hideous hair that Louis has shown us all over the past season and change. Let us all style our hair backwards and upwards in silent tribute to our fallen friend.

Finally, let us all remember what Van Gaal would have wanted most from all of us. We should make sure to over complicate everything we can in our lives so we can convince everyone how intelligent we really are. Just as Van Gaal insisted on playing Fellaini at striker, or leaving Morgan Schneiderlin on the bench, let us make bizarre decisions in our own personal lives. Only by making such insane decisions and blindly hoping for luck to bail us out can we truly achieve the legendary status of Van Gaal.

We will all miss him. It’s an amazing man that can make an entire fan base yearn for David Moyes.